We have a paperchain to help the kids with the countdown to H, but with the recent unknowns about time frames, I am hesitant to let them remove the links, for fear that I will have to explain when the links are gone and H isn’t here. I have thinking a lot this morning about passing the time and our wait to bring H home. Of course, now I forget (maybe because Backyardigans is playing, and distracting me!) Hopefully as I write my thought will come back.
It makes me sad that hours pass without H being in the forefront of my mind. It seems wrong. At the same time I find it odd that the feeling I have is missing him. Can you miss someone you have never met? Is that the right word? I don’t know that it is, but I miss him. I am sad when I look in the back of my vehicle where his car seat will go. I am sad that I don’t know what size clothes he wears, whether he can crawl, if he is babbling. I know nothing about him & I miss him. I guess I miss the hypothetical him. The him that I imagine he is. But, I really don’t know him, so well, it is just a strange emotion/feeling.
S gives me a hard time because he says I have read the entire internet twice! I admit it, I am online A LOT. I feel like I am constantly searching for a better connection to my Asian boy. I read blogs, and am on Yahoo groups, forums, you name it. I want to feel through others that are already united with their child. How are they doing? Is he/she adjusting quickly, slowly? What things helped? Something to help me feel more connected to H.
I have a million questions and no answers. I am someone who is impatient and somewhat control oriented. Boy, is this a challenge! I remember my social worker telling me the wait would be hard, and I knew it would, but WHEW! That is all I can say.
I have the package ready to go to H, I just need to insert a letter for his foster family. Wow! What does one say to complete strangers who are nurturing and loving your child, who you have never met??? Thank you doesn’t seem adequate. I am struggling a bit with it, but I need to get it done, the end. I hardly want them to think we haven’t been thinking of H or them.
Today I went to B&N with T to use a gift card and buy her a book that I read as a young girl. While waiting to check out, I saw this:
I opened it and glanced inside and teared up. I want this book for H, well really for all of my kids, to read and see families that are made up of people who might not all look the same, but still are family. I realize though that H is not looking for a family, in fact he is innocently unaware of us, or his need for a family. I have recently read some interesting points of view about this. Adoption is selfish, I know that. I realize that H hasn't asked for any of this, and with his adoption will come challenges of giving him equal parts of his history and culture, while still being part of the C clan. I feel sad for being selfish and at the same time I don't. I want the culture to become part of me, for us all to share and learn and enjoy the heritage and culture of H's birthcountry. I don't know what would have happened if we weren't adopting H, maybe another family would have called him part of their clan. Would he have been adopted in his birthcountry? I have gotten conflicting messages as to whether or not that would be likely. If he weren't adopted, what would happen? Would he age out of foster care, like children un teh US do? Would he be institutionalized, group home? I don't know. What I know is that adoption is something I have always felt in my heart as part of me. I was a "thrid culture kid" and maybe that is why. I don't know, it doesn't matter to me. What matters is this isn't just an adoption now. This is H joining this family, and us joining his journey in life. I look forward to it, with all the unknowns that are.
So I continue to search the internet, gain knowledge, hope for answers and guidance. I look at the paperchain hanging on the wall and wait. One thing is for sure, it will be a long wait. I hope when the time comes I will have learned more, more language, more cuisine, more culture.
Tonight we cook our first Korean dinner, pulgogi. Wish me luck, (I mean S, I don't cook!!!) And I plan to put more pics on this blog, who wants to just read what we have to say....NO ONE. You want to see cuteness too. I can't share the cuteness that is H (and believe me his is C-U-T-E) but here is a glimpse at the rest of the C cuteness:
D with Aunt T
Limbo-ing
T's BirthdayGrateful for the cuteness I have a home to help me pass the time...
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