Today I became a mommy

...7 years ago.  It is crazy how fast the time has flown by.  I can remember wanting to be a mommy since I was a little girl.  I remember being afraid that maybe it wouldn't be so easy.  I remember the morning I found out it wasn't that hard after all.  I remember telling S while he was still very asleep.  The amazing experience of being pregnant, telling our families, feeling her move, all seem like yesterday.  I remember her due date...coming...and...going.  And I remember waking S up at 3:30 in the morning and then deciding maybe it was a false alarm.  Seconds later, my water broke and off we went.  For all my excitement and hope and desire to be a mom, I was not prepared for labor.  Let's be honest, I am a wuss.  I didn't think I would make it.  I was terrified when the midwife said the baby might be 8+ pounds. And finally after 16 or so hours, T was born.  My first thought???  That is not an 8lb baby!  And she wasn't, just a tiny 6lbs 15oz.
I was exhausted.  But I distinctly remember watching her, just staring.  And her Daddy, well he was smitten, and I loved watching that (still do).  Labor was hard, but from the second she was born, T has been the easiest child anyone could ask for.  She was an easy baby, quiet, inquisitive and patient.  And she really still is.  She is wicked smart (and I'm not just saying that cuz she's my kid), silly, kind, beautiful and hilarious.  She has a heart of gold and it amazes me how much empathy and compassion she already shows at her young age.  She loves her Daddy fiercely and the rest of us too.
Part of me hates how fast she has grown up, but at the same time I am excited to see her grow and learn.  I have no doubt she will have a big impact on this world, that she will grow up ans still be my smart, beautiful, silly, sweet, dancing, singing girl.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY T!  WE LOVE YOU SO MUCH!

And in other news, it is almost JUNE!!!  Anticipation is growing and I am finding myself daydreaming about when it is finally time.  I have started purchasing some things for the gift baskets and I JUST CAN'T WAIT!   T had really wanted him home for her birthday, so I am hoping maybe I can tell her we are finally on the home stretch as a consolation prize!

May...moving right along!

YAY, it's MAY!  My favorite month of the year!  Mostly because it is my birthday, and Miss T's birthday, the weather is beautiful and at least this year it means we are 1 more month closer to H. 
Have I mentioned that I go back & forth between calling H, well H and M.  One is his American name, one his Korean.  I am quite attached to his Korean name, and feel it best represents him, but I have read in several places giving a "traditional" American name is suggested too.  For several reasons I am sure.  1--it allows us to give him part of who he is, which is nice but not uber important.  2--while he will be Korean, he will also be American, and I have read where several Koreans, adoptees and "transplants" feel it is helpful to have that name to match part of his identity.  Anyway, M, is his name and will always be, and much like my others go by more than one name (i.e. "buggy) I believe M/H will too!

Ok, I digress.  It is May.  I will admit I really hoped and prayed for a little May birthday miracle that M/H would have his paperwork submitted in May, but I knew it was a looonnnnggggg shot.  And shocker?!?!?!  I was right, he was not submitted.  Funny thing though (read not.that.funny), somehow I accidentally got a generic email from our agency saying his paperwork WAS submitted.  I of course knew it was a mistake but still got a little giddy.  Thankfully, S, the sound mind he is tamed my excitement.  I spoke to the agency today and she was quite sorry for the mix up.  It's ok, mistakes happen and maybe today was a great day of joy for another family, who had thought they had somehow been missed.

June....I am feel hopeful for June, more hopeful than I had in May.  We are in the single digits as far as where we are in line, and it seems very possible June will be our month!  S called that.  So what does that mean?  Well if M/H's paperwork is submitted in the beginning of June than it would be about a month for approval (maybe 4-5 weeks) then another 2-4 until we can TRAVEL!!!!!!!!!! So mid-July ish maybe.  If we aren't submitted in June than we will hope for July and travel right before somebody's big 2nd birthday in August.  I am hoping for July travel!

In other news, we have stayed busy, with P's t-ball, and practice SOLs, work, work and more work.  Miss T will turn 7 at the end of the month!  I look at her daily and wonder where the time has gone.  She has grown up so much.  She is a smart, sweet, intelligent, compassionate kid.  yesterday she and I were on our way home from Girl Scouts (too close to bedtime) and we were talking about H/M coming home and how excited we are.  She kept saying "I can't wait to see his sweet face!"  So I explained to her that adoption comes out of a lot of loss and H/M will experience a lot of sadness as he makes this transition.  She listened and seemed to really grasp the reality of all of it.  She then said, "maybe one day we can all go to Korea and H/M can visit his foster family. And maybe one day his birth mom can come visit us here!"  Man, I love that kid.  She is amazing.  I am always in awe of the insight she has at a young age and can't wait to see her impact on the world.

Sooo, I hope to update here before her birthday, and be better about keeping up.  We are certainly researching travel stuff and that feels real.  We will end May with a birthday spa day for my girl and head into June with a pre-school graduation and anticipation of some Korean paperwork!!!

Night!

April...the beginning of the busy season

Shift work, t-ball and birthdays, just a little of what we have been up to here.  April is the beginning of birthday season in our house.  3 of the 5 of us have birthdays in April and May.  Of course, they are separated just far enough that there is NO.WAY to combine the festivities!  A certain someone, soon to arrive to the C family will share a birthday month with Daddy, and those 2 are close enough for a combined celebration.

We also started our first season of T-ball...whew almost as intense as the MLB schedule.  P is enjoying it though, and I think he has some ability.  I would love it if it didn't coincide with S's work schedule causing him to miss almost every game. 

On the adoption front, things continue to move in front of us.  I am hopefully that in July we will be in a certain Asian country, or even better we will have just gotten home.  At 20 months, H is certainly going to have a different adjustment then an infant that is still unclear about the world around them.  I have been trying to follow other families that have recently come home with their little ones in hope of learning some of language, food and sleep issues unique to almost 2 year old as they make this adjustment.  I vacillate (nice word, right!) between fear and excitement.  I do realize and acknowledge that this will be a difficult experience for him, borne out of multiple losses in his life.  In response to that, I remind myself that this will be the last family H must bond to and how we got to this is not lost on all of us.  We will work to learn and nurture him as his unique being, as we do for the other 3 C kiddos.


**oh yeah about that shiner on the Buggy, she caught the corner of a metal shelf while dancing, twirling a flittting about at preschool.  I might also add, it is the 1st shiner of the C kids...pretty impressive in my opinion.  No shocker that the buggy would be the one to get a black eye first! 
(now I add this as if any of the 4 people who read this hadn't already heard that story a MILLION times, but maybe, just maybe someone who doesn't know me and see me on a daily basis stumbles onto this babbling blog!)

Movement finally!!!

I am so happy to report that RIGHT now there are families in S.K. meeting their children!  What this means???  Well, the backlog has finally started to move and well, that means we are actually in a countdown situation now.  Early March the first "batch" got the paperwork submission they had been waiting so long for.  Some of them since December 2010!  3 weeks later, they received word the paperwork was approved, and a couple weeks later the treasured "travel call." I.E. "Come and get your kid call!"
I have been following several families as they have gotten these calls and I feel so excited for them.  The wait is hard for everyone.  It allows me to imagine our travel call and our trip!  So exciting.
We sent what I hope to be our last care package this weekend.  T sent a note to the foster family which said this:
"This is me, T.  I just wanted to say how thankful we are that you are taking such good care of M because we are so excited to adopt him.:  She attached it to a picture she colored of all of us outside of our house. 
So sweet, I can't wait for her to get to meet him finally. 
I am going to be better about posting, as we have more info, and hope to be able to post when we travel.   We shall see how that goes.
Here is a picture of the present C kids in their Easter attire (2 sets, thanks to 2 fabulous grandmas!!!!)

Roller coasters, the end of a pity party and Voice of Love

For starters let me just say, I have always had a love hate relationship with roller coasters.  I get motion sick, so you can see the hate part.  BUT, the thrill, I love the thrill of the hills, and anticipation of the climbs, the wind whipping.  That being said, adoption is much like a roller coaster.  Only one with only slow, annoying, endless uphills.  Not so much of a fan of that type.
BUT...
That whether it seems all uphill right now or not, this pity party I keep attending isn't helping and it.must.stop!  The end.  So that is the last negative thing I will say (I hope)

Now onto more productive and happy things.  EP's (emigration paperwork) did start flowing and many of the many more families in front of us got word that their paper has made it into the hands it needs to.  That is AWESOME, especially for those that have been waiting since 2010!!!!

There is a group, I guess a ministry, right now that is trying to shed light on the positive side of adoption.  To share with the powers that be in S. Korea the amazing families that are built and the love that is shared.  Their website is www.voiceoflove.org.   They are looking for short video clips from adult Korean adoptees or families that have adopted to share how their adoption has impacted them.  Are you an adoptee or an adoptive parent?  Do you know a Korean adoptee?  Maybe they would like to share.   The hope is that this will help those "powers that be" make decisions in the best interest of the thousands of Korean orphans that are waiting now. 

That being said, have you ever thought about adoption?  I always have.  However, until I started looking I was oblivious to the children that exist all over the world without the basic need of family love.  Without a mom and/or a dad to care for them.  Now...I can never unknow the things I have learned, and I don't want to.  Some of it is so sad, so hard to imagine, it makes me cry.  (those that know me, know I am not a big crier.)  But I know it and I will forever do what I can to be part of the solution.  Not sure how that will look, but I will.  Wanna join me?  There are many things one can do to help with orphaned children, not just adopt one (although that is one way).

Please share the Voice of Love mission.  You never know if one more video is what it takes.  I only know one Korean adoptee, and I hope her mom is reading this now (hint, hint S.S).  I had the most amazing opportunity today as a co-worker brought her adult daughter, from Korea, to meet me.  It was a surreal moment where I wanted to ask a million questions, yet wanted to look normal.  Mostly, I just smiled and shared my pictures of M.  And when she said "Congratulation!"  it was one of the best I have ever gotten.

So...goodbye pity party, Hello productive wait.  Soon M will be home, soon.

Renewed

Yesterday marked 1 year since we first saw M's face.  In some ways it seems like a million years have past since then.  Other times, like all of my kids, it seems like yesterday. 
We have missed a lot being thousands of miles away, but I know that is temporary.  Last week I didn't feel so sure, but now I feel renewed.
The word from our agency is tomorrow, TOMORROW, paperwork will begin being processed by the Ministry.  I have renewed hope, renewed joy, renewed excitement.  I even started looking at hotels and airfare...not as exciting to see those prices !!!
I am putting all my faith in M being home before August, his 2nd birthday. 
I have been thinking a lot about him coming home and how that will be.  It will be much different than bringing my others home, brand new from the hospital, somewhat oblivious to the world around them.  M will not have that luxury.  He was be sad and confused, exposed to sights, sounds and smells unfamiliar to him.  He will not understand us nor be able to tell us how he feels.  It breaks my heart to think about what he will go through and I hope and pray we will do a good job supporting him during his transition.  And our other kids will have the same experience.  They are so excited for M to come home, we will have to really prepare them for the first couple weeks.
Regardless of the scariness that comes with the unknowns and adjustment we will all experience, I cannot wait for it all.  I cannot wait to see things begin to move, to make our travel plans and to set off to get our boy.
Not much longer!

18 months & 10 years

Today is M's 18 month birthday.  I hope he had a good day with his foster family and I am REALLY hoping he had his well baby check which I will get to see soon.  Several months ago we sent some disposable cameras in one of our packages.  I am eagerly awaiting some pictures.  I am especially excited to get a progress report.  We don't know what kind of progress he has made since our last progress report in October!!!  A lot can happen in 4 months!

Still no movement on the processing of emigration paperwork front.  It seems so our luck that for 60 years this adoption program has been stable and reliable.  It comes in contact with the C family and....well there it goes!  In the past by this point many people have travelled to get their newest family member.  This year?  NOT. A. ONE family has received the ok to travel.  not one.  We are behind a lot of people in the line to travel, so I hope it gets moving soon.  I have to admit more and more I am afraid it will not and M will never be part of our family.  Truth is, this part of the wait has been hard on the attachment.  It has seemed so surreal for so long that it is hard to believe it ever will be.  I have wanted to adopt since I was a little girl.  When we were matched it finally felt real, like we were really doing it.  Now with so much time past, I have to admit that I feel how I did before we ever applied.  Like it is something we might do one day.  I hate to say that, but it is the truth.  It is a hard subject to bring up around here, because of the frustration and for the little people a lot of confusion.  One day at a time, and one day it will be real.  right?

On a more happy subject, S and I have been together for 10 years!!!  Not married 10 years, but together.  And anyone who knows me well, knows putting up with me for 10 years is a noble feat!  So in tribute to that, I will now focus on 10 things we have experienced/had/done in the last 10 years. (In some what of a order of events kind of way)
1. Dieka! Our dog.  Our first baby, the 1st Christmas gift I gave S.  She's an expensive pet, who is now minus 1 leg. She is 10 years old now and while she regularly drives me crazy, I will miss her when she is gone. 
2. Getting Married.  One of the most amazing days, so much fun, sometimes we wish we could just throw one of those parties every couple years.
3. Our 2nd, 3rd & 4th houses together.  I owned a townhouse when we met, but man we have exchanged some real estate in a decade.  We are finally in a home we both love and hope to stay for a long time.
4. T--not enough time to talk about how amazing she is.  Once upon a time, I wasn't sure getting pregnant would be easy, so S & I didn't waste time.  13 months after we were married, Princess T arrived.  She is smart, articulate, curious, sweet and adorable.
5. P--my handsome "mini S"  He looks just like his daddy minus the light hair and eyes and boy he loves his mommy.  He is all boy and at the same time sensitive and caring.  He is a deep thinker sometimes and is the one who asks most often when M will be home.
6. D--The spitfire.  This girl is her own little creature.  She follows in NO ONE's footsteps.  She defines terrible 2's and at the same time loves just as ferociously.  She is a lot like her momma and it scares me and makes me laugh at the same time.
7. this adoption.  This journey isn't over, but it is well on it's way.  We have learned so much and I am certainly changed for the better for it.  When M comes home, all the frustration will have been worth it....and I can't wait.
8. Education--S finished his bachelors last year.  All while working full time and being the most amazing dad and husband.  And he even worked a part time job through some of it too.  He is amazing.
9. Jobs--We have definitely had some challenging jobs and job changes.  I think we are stronger for the work experiences we have had.  I am grateful for all I have learned from the work I have done.
10. US--We are still us 10 years later.  Sure it looks different.  We are separated by 6, soon to be 8, feet, but I feel just as close to S as I did years ago.  I look forward to another 100 years together, even if we are separated be even more feet!

So with all of that, S deserves some credit.  For 10 years he has:
~made me laugh until I cry
~made me laugh when all I could do was cry
~let me cry when I needed to
~put up with my laziness
~put up with my messiness
~talked it out when all he wants to do is sleep!
~cared for me through 3 babies, several surgeries & I can't count how many migraines.
~there are a million other things he has done that make him my hero and I am so thankful for him.

And to reward him...I got him a Kuerig! Aren't I nice!!!?!?!  Plus, he needs that caffeine to keep up with this family!
Love ya babe.